I'm sitting in college today with all my prints for the latest assignment mounted and pretty much good to go. I just have to finish my workbook, so I thought it was as good a time as any to put it off and write to me blog.
I'm unbelievably tense, anxious, stressed or whatever else you want to call it today. My jaw feels like steel, I must have been grinding my teeth all night without even realising it.
I have never felt like I wanted to change things in my life so much as I do today. 7:45am and I had already received a call from work asking about some order. For the first time ever in a job I really didn't care, ok I've felt like that before, but I've never really let my work slip. I never wanted it to show me up as bad at my job, ungrateful or whatever. But now I don't even care if I screw up, and this is the biggest sign I've had to wise up and sort myself out!
It's like there's a voice inside me today saying "I can't do this anymore" it's very strange. It's like I'm actually starting to listen to myself for a change instead of sticking my head in the sand.
I've been on the phone trying to sort out a frame for a print I'm getting today, spoke to a really nice guy, and he was really helpful. That's what I want to be doing, talking to people that are nice and talking about a subject I'm interested in. That's what gives me a buzz. I just need a chance to do these things!
God why can't I sort my life out, if only it was easy... I'm going to have to start writing things down, making a note of my goals, long and short term... See if I can get some clarity somehow..
It's 3pm and I'm already stressing out about going to work tomorrow, ok I know I shouldn't moan. The people are nice, and I'm getting a day off for my HND and it's really close to home at the moment. Why can't I just be grateful, it's just not what I was put here to do that's why. Time is short, and sometimes I just don't understand my own head.. I wish I was more intelligent, more courageous, had more drive... more of everything who makes up someone that I am not.
I'm reading a book at the moment about behaviour and how the brain works. It mentions that we shouldn't make statements with "wish" in the title, like I've just done. Book is obviously doing me no good! By using this word it means we aren't determined enough , it means we're never going to change things it's not definite enough.
Looks like a change of attitude it needed... i will not go to bed tonight with unresolved issues!!
Friday, May 02, 2008
Things are going to change, I feel it in my bones!
I've got the sensation that I had before I went to Australia, it's like a tingle that brings about a feeling making you realise something is really going to happen, and it's not all talk.
As you can see I put a pic up of a book I bought yesterday, "Working Your Way Around the World" I have read about 20 pages and already I'm feeling a real buzz about travelling again. There is so so much of the world to see, so many different cultures and types of people and I want to experience it all. I've said it many times before, and I'll say it again, I do not want to be in my rocker wishing I'd seen more of the world. Granted I'll probably have dementia and not have a clue what my name is, even so you get the picture.
Don't get me wrong I know i've been pretty lucky to see a good bit of the world already, but that just gives me the taste for it all even more. I'm probably slightly more streetwise and know what to expect when I head off. Therefore i'm probably in a better position to go away than I've ever been.
Of course I have to finish my HND, as it's extremely important to me, and that will also give me time to save a bit for flights etc. Also I'll be able to take the skills I've acquired from the course and put them into practice all over the world, just imagining my portfolio growing gets me excited :)
So my initial (extremely initial) plan is to aim for a departure round about the latter half of 2010. I have no idea at the moment where I would start my trip, but there's plenty of time to write down all the places that i'm interested in.. (mainly everywhere)
All of these thoughts about travel actually help me to put into perspective how a feel about a career. Maybe you don't have to search for that defining role that suits you perfectly, maybe it's all bout funding your adventures and developing yourself as a person outside the workplace. Therefore the job you are in is maybe only a means to funding everything you want to do outside in the big and beautiul world..
food for though eh...